Dude i just saw JT leaving the hospital. He drove there to get fluids because he was too drunk, so they hooked him up to an IV so he didn't get alcohol poisoning. Did I mention he drove there? Oh yea and our roommates in the hospital with alcohol poisoning, she just puked up coal. So many ppl are here, it's like a hospital party, I love spring quarter!
Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
