bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Randomize
