I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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