just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Randomize
