I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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