Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Randomize
