Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
her facebook's as public as her vagina
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
did you just send me my own nude
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Randomize
