he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
writing the newer testament. It's the 3rd for the series. I'll update u the rule changes later.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
