From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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