Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
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