I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
