I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
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