I showed him my bush... on skype.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Randomize
