I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
Oh god it's open bar.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
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