I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
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