My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
