Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
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