P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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