I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize