420 ftw
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
Randomize
