Have you finally orgasmed yet?
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
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