You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
Randomize