apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
