fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
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