I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
