It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Randomize
