there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Randomize
