my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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