i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
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