Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize