Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
we should paint friendship bongs
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Randomize