just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
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