insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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