i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
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