come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
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