I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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