Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Randomize
