I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
