It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
Randomize
