not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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