Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
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