His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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