Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
