On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
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