wrigley field is MILF paradise
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Randomize
