I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
