hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
all I know is if I don't watch spice world right now there will be a firefight.
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize