I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
Randomize
