Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize