This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
Randomize