i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Randomize
