I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
Don't make out with my wife yet
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
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