Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
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