made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
If no ones going to say it, then I will. Vanessa Hudgens boobs are weird looking
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
