I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Randomize