i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Randomize
