apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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