She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Randomize