I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize