I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
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