No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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