On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
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