Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
Blow job season was short but glorious.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
Randomize
