just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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