How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
If that guy asks u bout me, I said my name is Jenelle, from CT, I'm a cat behiavor consultant and I'm 29. Back my story up
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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