I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
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