i'm signing you up for texting rehab
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Video on mandys page of you drinking upside down was finally put up...too bad all the comments were about me and him fighting in the background while he screamed "BLOW BIG BETSY!'
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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